nightmare

Not that I stopped ranting, just that sometimes some things are meant to be kept in my heart (:

Just like how important he is still in my heart, no one understands only myself does...

Today, is celebrate grandpa birthday.

Last year, he's there together.

This year everything changes, back to single me.

Probably it's meant to be, who cares? No one.

Only myself, hanging on so much still...

Hope, however i know it kills totally (:

I prays only for you, cause you are the only reason for my smile and happiness

17102009 (:

ink on skin hurts

It's the 99th days that you chose to live your life without me.

Are you a little happier? I don't mind doing anything to see you being happier...

Tomorrow starting work already however I do not know why I feel rather upset today.

Missing you becomes like a daily routine...

If I ever sees you again, I'll make sure that I'm calm enough and give you the smile you used to see... In order to let you see that actually I'd moved on, though I haven't

Meeting Xp and Belle love up for Insidious movie! :D

marked

I thought drinking my sorrows away it might helps.

I'm wrong, it's only making things worst.

Keep trying stilll

.

.

.

new ink on wrist (:

Moving

Changing of URL link

I'll make it privatize blog from now for this blog...

To ensure that the one that I would leave the world of, will never get confuse and hear from me (:

With so much love

Comfort

Thanks love...

I am sorry

I know you are in agony too.

Probably I should just leave your world completely so you wouldn't be so confused...

One is someone so important to you, someone that actually you wanna spend your life with.

The other one is someone that will be there for you no matter what, me.

You'd made up your mind, I'll try to leave your life completely that you wouldn't be so confuse.

I'm sorry, I will keep trying I promised...

17th Oct 2009

.

.

.

20th Feb 2011

it's the most perfect memories you left for me.

I'll leave, so you wouldn't be living in agony.

With so much of loves...

20th May 2011

I didn't cry today.

Not today, staying strong putting up a strong front.

Yes, I made it...

I'm pondering, for the real reason of leaving...

I didn't want to guess, I'm afraid of guessing and got the truth in a way that I couldn't accept

Almost got knocked down by car on the way back home.

Not paying attention while crossing the road.

just in split second, I might be gone too...

87 days without you

Seventeen (:

I miss you so much still... Not hoping that you'll remember, just wanna let myself know that you meant a lot still...

Dreams

Yes, I dreamt of precious again!

We were just lying on the bed, hugging her to sleep.

Precious~ Mummy miss you ):

So much love though you are now in good hands of god.

I'll be there...

Guilt stricken

Had the most wonderful dreams and it followed by a dream that woke me up due to guilt...

We were walking at the beach hands in hands

you kneel down and asked for my hands.

Agreed and things went smoothly down the road...

Having you next to me every morning and a newly wed that everyone envies on.

A dream, it will never gonna happen...

Follows by

I dream of our little angel...

The guilt...

she asked me when she holds my hand

.

.

.

"Mummy, why Daddy and you doesn't even want me?"

Ended up I woke up crying all over.

Sighs, I shouldn't have.

So much of guilts left...

So much of things to let you know yet I'd no choice but to keep it in my heart.

Dreamt of you being with me still only stays in the dreams...

Reality is you already left.

I miss you little angel.

I'm sorry, I'd failed you...

since 20th March 2011

Walking the route we used to

Dr Loo told me there's a terrorist attack and it's at shipyard.

The first thing come into my mind and I asked him

.

.

.

NAVY?!?!

He replied no, shipyard.

I just let out a big sigh.

Phew, lucky.

曾经有你的承诺不让我心碎但是最伤我的人却是你...

Million pieces

I keep running non stop...

Realize actually I've been only trying to put those feelings and love aside.

Never even try, I don't know if I really did...

I tried, probably not hard enough.

Not enough that I will actually thought of you again and i broke down on my way walking back home.

Making sure that I cried finish before heading back home.

Sat down on the ground and keep crying...

Behaving like a little girl that had her knee scratched badly.

Why is it so hard for me to forget you, i only hope for not having you in my mind so often.

without you

No emotions

No feelings.

No love.

No more.

Everything purely ended abruptly.

I thought things will be better, however is one-sided all these while.

I'm like a fool, a fool that believes that things will get better eventually.

Big sigh!

I wouldn't mind, as long he's happy with whatever it is...

IMissY-ou

Still sick

Flu, and rough patches at work.

Thanks for the sweet thoughts from Dr Sia.

&

sweet o nothing from Dr Anthony :D

Loves being dotes on and praise on!

I'm moving on, cause I have to.

No particular reason, this is not even a good place to rant something more personal.

So ironic!

BYE

Unwell

Not knowing why my fever came back, flu bug came back too...

Heart just got real smashed yesterday.

I'm trying so hard yet I got this ending...

Beautiful. Thanks.

I'm a fool to you all these while...

Pain

Told him that i quarreled with dad,

he just replied in a way that makes me feel that I'm really all alone facing all these.

I'm not hiding, just that no longer have you to be there now.

Why give me such replies?

I don't need that! I still have to pretend to be fine after seeing those replies.

Is not my dad quarreling with me that hurts, not the broken family i have...

Is you who gave such replies. so upsets, so cold, so heartbroken....

.

Flu bugs

Out of sudden, around evening I started to sneeze non stop.

Having my nose running away and a start of throat sore.

I've been a good girl, drinking plain water as motivated.

Yet my immune system is failing on me,

that spells trouble..

Anyway was online the whole of today, hoping that he will talk to me.

But guessed what? Disappointment.

I risked it and I got the answer.

I hate falling sick now, cause in the past when I fall sick you will be there for me.

Making sure that I'm taken care of.

Now I don't even dare to tell my family that I actually not feeling well...

No point, cause no one bothers...

Just came back from late dinner.

Throat sore badly, sighs...

If only, you are here now...

Used to be my happy pills, love.

71 days

went for drinking on friday and didnt head back home.
Yesterday went out and drink again...

Numbed is the feeling...

Told him I actually miss him so much... He acknowledged it.. The end :/
Kinda sad though...
不知不觉要买杯面时, 就会不自然的买了两杯我们曾经爱吃的.. 但是现在只省我一个人... 好想你到缺氧...

Beautifully colored

Was at xp house earlier on, had fun chatting with her mum...
Suddenly she mentioned about something relates to you...

My heart sank and I forcefully smile cause I have to... (:
Keep telling and convincing myself that things will never gonna go back to the past.
However I'm still so persistent, my heart just way too persistent about you now...
是爱情说谎..
它带你来说渴望的有可能有希望

Missing you still

Love

Exhausted... Miss those days you'll wait for me till I reach your place. Showered and head to bed together...
Candy! It's over, convinced... (:
I miss you still, 67 days

Days without you kills

65th days without you,
trying so hard to adapt to life without you.

Back to square one when I talks to have heart to heart talks with people.
My mask torn off and missing you becomes stronger than before, as much as I would want to let go. I realized I couldn't cause you are way too important.
On Saturday was really glad that we actually talked normally, I'm trying cause you wants me to.
I'll be happy because you will wants to see me to be happy.
I'll be smiling because I once have you by my side.
Trying so hard to live without you, never thought that I'll be so persistent about you.
I miss you still...

Loves

Yearning for you

I just need you back in my life,
am I asking way too much?
Or probably I just need to get into relationship, a relationship that makes me have the feeling i used to have with you around...

I miss you still...

Memories

From beautifully starts on 17102009...
Tragically ended on 20022011...
I do not have a choice, is the only option you left for me

Tormenting pain

Missing you is a daily routine

I miss you
was wondering if things can be so perfect like we used to?

Used to be "WE", now it becomes me without you..
How ironic...
I lose you, realized its too late. All over.

我很怕黑

For you, 20th.

离人节

眼泪往心里留, 因为对你来说今天并没有任何意义...
This morning opened up the drawer with everything you bought...
Tangling monkey, flowers, grey little bear, my melody, figurines sets, photoframes, and rings...
My heart froze, 我的泪就流下来...
Realized, 放不下没你那么勇敢当一切早结束变成回亿...

Unspoken thoughts...

A lazy day

Sunday, marked 17th.

Not important yet heartbreaking.

Anyway went out awhile to lunch and passed hard disk back to dewei...

Mixed feeling, tearing heart, shattered hopes

I'll change, wouldn't talk to you online

wouldn't hope that will receive your texts.

wouldn't hope that you will remember those dates.

wouldn't hope that you will be back.

Then i wouldn't have disappointments and tears.

17th

Wonder if he still remembers?

Its 17th today.

Wonder if he is feeling the way I feel now.

I miss you, 3 days later I gonna go through the day...

20th, the day he chose the route of he himself to walk, without me.

I bite myself to stop the pain in my heart.

Self-inflicted pain, my new love

daily routine

Everyday i'm updating here.
Today i cried in clinic due to some work stuffs, guessed lately i cant really control my emotions. Not knowing why, useless woman.

Anyway got a trigger splint from OT side instructed by Jac to self-remind myself that my finger need to rest and avoid certain actions...
now its pain probably i really did overuse it..
Aiya everything went wrong when im at the lowest point of my life.
Dumb and retard.
Knock off officially at 8pn today, thanks to those dramatic FON
yes Full Of Nonsense.
Didn't sleep for 1 night yesterday, due to some issue.
Personal issue probably my heart and mind doesn't want to rest, worried and shattered.
Was waiting for reply the whole night.
How silly...
When I jollywell know that he wouldn't reply but couldn't help that i'm worried the whole night.
Shhhhhhhhhhh!~

Met up with XP for dinner @ yishun after work today.
chatted and walked back to her place and DL came to pick me up.
zzz
Now im home gonna do chores with my finger splint on!
hehehe!

loves,
i miss u

Useless

Every now and then, I kept telling myself that I got to move on.
Since he already did, why am I still the only one standing there and hope that he turn back and look at me?
He wouldn't...
Cause it's all over.

Knocked off from work, felt lethargic and real upset again...
I'm feeling it more and more even at work.
I'm no longer myself now...
I so afraid that I might not be able to control my emotions as days passes by.
My right middle finger still hurts, felt rather useless.
Can't even use stapler for now, no strength for my right hand at all..
Dependent more on my left hand which is so useless too.
I guessed when a person is right at the pit, everything goes wrong even physically...

Kept telling myself that it's great to be alone, after the crowd disperse I broke down.
I laugh and jokes around to hide away from those pain.
Pain till I couldn't feel anymore thing.
It hurts so much still...
You meant a lot...

In a circle

After so much, I realized I deceive myself that I'd long forgotten about it.
Long that I'd let go.
But I'm wrong

I cried again, felt like a silly girl.
Never know how much you meant, you never know.
Cause I couldn't imagine that life without you, I told you once.
I don't dare to ask for anything, as long as you are happy with your life.
I'll walk away from you

Was pretty glad that you actually starts a conversation with me when im online, but our conversation didn't last... You didn't reply less than 10 sentences.
I didn't ask a lot, probably not anymore.
Teared again, not because I'm weak. Just that the thought of you already gone, we are totally over. It hurts so much...

Probably I'll be going on a short getaway, all by myself.
Bali...

林俊傑 記得 MV

For you, 谁还记得是谁先说永远的爱我

the urge

Been trying to stop myself from doing a lot of things.

Now, i'm trying to stop myself from talking to him.

Yes, especially weekends.

I do not know what to do, basically I'm staring at the computer.

Hoping that he will initiate the conversation.

I'm a fool, what the hell am I thinking.

Tarded.

Stfu candy :\

Tormenting

Today afternoon I wanted to nap since there's nothing to do.

After watching the MV of 散场的拥抱.

Everything somehow came back into my mind.

Lying on the bed, I felt that memories flashes back...

Used to have you sleeping next to me, snatching the bolster and space for cuddles.

Now I'm all alone occupying the bed.

My tears rolled down, realized everything is over.

You all long gone before I could hold you tight...

Felt rather empty and sunken down in my heart...

Cried and doze off...

Then I head down for dinner.

Picking myself up and put my hopes on someone that values me more.

The beautiful memories are like handcuffs, the more you struggle with it the more its harder to get out of it. Thus it causes more pain and self inflicted torments for the heart...

I'm trying, to love someone else to forget those that not supposed.

Not substitute but someone that values me more

New marks

Today is Hooitiang last day in clinic!

I'm so gonna miss her.

Anyway flashbacks again, I almost lose control!

Oh ya, I had a little lump on my right middle finger joint.

Hope it doesn't get worst in couple of weeks!

Met up with Dewei for dinner at ENAQ for prata!

Lose control when talking about past relationship.

It's all over!

Tsk! Tried to use Dewei phone but I really do not know how to use!

ROARS

Okay Im so tired but I can't sleep!

Good news

Know what? Though I didn't attend roll call meeting today.

Received a news, not pretty sure if i'm overwhelm about it or a little upset with the decision made.

With effect on 1st of May, I'll be assisting Dr Ganesan the new HOD for Orthopedic .

Means I got to leave my reghand clinic...

Felt a little confuse though, I gonna miss so much fun in the hand clinic instead.

I only told Dr Yeo not the rest yet, I'm not sure if I'm really happy or what?

Somehow I felt a little upset though!

Gonna tell Dr Sia tomorrow about the changes.

Been in a daze the whole of today, felt so much like an idiot though.

Hoping that time passes faster however when the day is ending, I hopes that time could probably just stop for awhile.

I want to eat chocolates, ice creams, muffins and candies.

I need to inject happy pills on myself.

zzz

I do not know why, emotions overflows.

:|

Till then...

New life begins

I'm managing 2 blogs though.
Probably I'm gonna start to blog more inner self thing over here.
More rantings instead of the public blogs.

I don't wanna be a fool that deceive myself any further (: